Many of us feel uneasy talking about death. We know it will come, and nearly everyone will experience grief, yet many of us delay facing the practical side of it.
Recent research shows that around 53% of UK adults do not yet have a Will. It means many families are left making important decisions during difficult times. By talking about your funeral wishes ahead of time, you ease the emotional burden on those you love.
If you want more help and guidance, our free guide on putting your affairs in order can help you take those first steps with confidence.
Why planning your funeral wishes matters
Planning your funeral wishes is more than just ticking a box. It’s a way to ensure your life is celebrated in a way that reflects your personality, values, and faith. It also removes added stress for your family. Without clear instructions, family members might struggle to agree on practical details, which can delay arrangements or lead to conflict.
A thoughtful plan provides reassurance. When your wishes are documented, family and friends know exactly what you would have wanted, from the type of service and location to music, flowers, and donations to charity.
Starting the conversation: Where to begin
It’s not always easy to start talking about funeral wishes. You or your loved ones may feel awkward, uncomfortable, or unsure how to approach the topic. Here are some strategies to make the conversation easier:
Start indirectly: Use recent events as prompts. Perhaps mention a funeral you attended, a song or poem you found moving, or a news story about someone who passed away.
Use memories: Focus on how you’d like to be remembered and the relationships that shaped your life. Framing the conversation around celebration rather than death can make it less intimidating.
Choose the right setting: A calm, relaxed environment helps. Over a cup of tea, during a walk, or at a family gathering can all be good opportunities to talk naturally.
Who should you talk to?
Everyone benefits from knowing your wishes, regardless of age. The ideal approach is to speak with the people who are most likely to manage your funeral arrangements.
This could include:
- Close family members
- Trusted friends
- Executors of your Will (if applicable)
It’s wise to nominate more than one person. This ensures that your instructions can be followed even if someone is unavailable at the time of need. The key is to choose people who are practical, empathetic, and willing to respect your wishes.
What to include in your funeral wishes
Many people underestimate the number of decisions involved in arranging a funeral. Having a written record can make the process much simpler.
Consider including:
- Burial or cremation: Your choice can impact costs, location, and ceremony style.
- Location of the service: Church, crematorium, or alternative venues.
- Type of ceremony: Traditional, non-religious, or a celebration of life.
- Music and readings: Hymns, songs, poems, or Bible verses that are meaningful to you.
- Funeral flowers and donations: Preferences for floral arrangements or charities to receive donations in your memory.
- Personal touches: Memorabilia, photos, or symbolic items that should be included in the service.
- Order of service: If you have strong preferences, consider drafting a suggested schedule for the ceremony.
Even noting that you are not particular about certain elements is helpful – it gives your family guidance and reduces uncertainty.
How funeral wishes relate to your Will
A Will is primarily for the distribution of your assets, but it can include funeral wishes. There are a few considerations:
Timing: Your family might begin arranging the funeral before your Will is located, so verbal or written instructions kept elsewhere are useful.
Detail: Your Will should include only essential points. More detailed preferences – music, readings, location, or donations – are better recorded in a separate “letter of wishes”.
Legally binding: Funeral wishes in a Will are not legally binding. Executors must try to follow them, but the ultimate responsibility often falls to family members. Communicating your wishes clearly reduces the likelihood of disputes.
Tips for recording your funeral wishes
Creating a written record can be as simple or detailed as you like.
Here are some tips:
Keep it accessible: Store the document somewhere your family can easily find it.
Review and update: Your wishes may change over time – updating them ensures they remain accurate.
Be specific, but flexible: Include important details but allow for reasonable adjustments if circumstances make them impossible.
Share copies: Give copies to the people who will oversee arrangements.
Modern approaches to funerals
Funerals are evolving. The traditional model – a formal ceremony with mourners, a coffin, and uniformed staff – is still common, but people increasingly want services that reflect the individual’s life. Options include:
Celebration of life ceremonies: Focused on memories and storytelling rather than formality.
Living funerals: Attended by the individual while alive, often chosen by those with a terminal diagnosis. They provide an opportunity for final messages, closure, and shared reflection.
Direct cremations or low-cost funerals: These remove the formal ceremony from the immediate timeline, allowing a more personal celebration later.
Financial considerations
Clear funeral wishes help manage costs. Without guidance, families may overspend or choose elements that the deceased might not have wanted. Planning in advance allows you to:
- Set a realistic budget for the funeral.
- Decide on cost-saving alternatives, such as direct cremation.
- Use pre-paid funeral plans or savings to reduce the financial burden on family members.
Pure Cremation, for example, offers an all-inclusive direct cremation plan that gives peace of mind, covering all essential elements while allowing flexibility for personal touches.
Starting the conversation in practice
You might feel unsure how to bring it up.
Consider:
Direct approach: Be straightforward. Explain that planning ahead helps everyone and reduces stress later.
Gentle approach: Use stories, memories, or news events as conversation starters.
Family meeting: Sending a letter beforehand can give family members time to prepare emotionally and mentally for the discussion.
Take notes during conversations. Documenting responses helps you know who is willing and able to oversee arrangements, and it records any objections or suggestions.
Cultural and personal considerations
Your funeral wishes may be influenced by cultural or religious traditions. Acknowledging this in advance ensures your service reflects your identity and faith while giving guidance to those arranging it.
Some cultures emphasise specific rituals, timings, or ceremonies.
Others prefer minimalism or unique personal touches.
Including your preferences in writing prevents misunderstandings and respects traditions while allowing your own personality to shine through.
Common barriers to discussing funeral wishes
Many people delay this conversation because:
- It feels uncomfortable or taboo.
- They are unsure how to start.
- They worry about upsetting loved ones.
- They think it’s unnecessary if they’re healthy.
Addressing these barriers involves reassurance: talking openly about death is not morbid – it’s practical, empathetic, and ultimately a gift to those who will carry on after you.
Benefits of talking about funeral wishes
When you communicate your wishes clearly:
You ease stress for loved ones: They won’t have to guess what you wanted.
You reduce conflicts: Clear instructions prevent arguments or disagreements.
You manage costs: Families are less likely to overspend.
You create a meaningful service: The funeral will reflect your personality, values, and relationships.
Next steps
- Write down your funeral wishes in a document or letter of wishes.
- Share them with your nominated representatives.
- Update them as needed.
Starting these conversations sooner rather than later normalises planning ahead and encourages others to do the same. Over time, this helps reduce the taboo around discussing death and fosters a culture of openness and preparedness.
Talking about your funeral wishes ensures your life is celebrated the way you want, reduces stress for those left behind, and allows your family to focus on grieving and remembering. Even a simple conversation today can bring comfort and clarity tomorrow.
