When someone close to you dies, there are many decisions to make at a time when emotions are already running high. One question that often causes uncertainty is whether children should attend the funeral. Parents, guardians, and relatives may wonder if it’s the right thing to do, or whether it’s kinder to protect children from an experience that can feel overwhelming.
It’s completely natural to worry about how a child might react. You may be concerned about them seeing adults cry, hearing difficult conversations, or being exposed to ideas about death they’re not yet ready to understand. Some people also worry that a funeral could create fears about dying or separation.
There is no single right answer. Every child is different, and every family situation is unique. What matters most is making a thoughtful choice that feels right for the child and for you.
Talking to children about death
Conversations about death are difficult at any age. For children, understanding what has happened often takes time, and their reactions may look very different from those of adults. Some children ask lots of questions. Others seem unaffected at first and process their feelings later, through play or changes in behaviour.
Whatever their age, talking honestly about death helps children feel safer and less confused. This is especially important if they were close to the person who has died. Avoiding the subject entirely can leave children to fill in the gaps themselves, which can be far more frightening.
It helps to use clear, simple language. Children need to understand that the person has died and will not come back, and that the body left behind no longer feels, thinks, or breathes. Some families find gentle comparisons helpful, such as explaining that the body is like a fallen leaf or twig that is no longer alive.
If a child is old enough, these conversations can also help them decide whether they would like to attend the funeral.
Explaining what a funeral is
As well as talking about death itself, it can be reassuring to explain what will happen at a funeral. Children often cope best when they know what to expect.
Keep explanations short at first, using language that feels natural and age-appropriate. You can always add more detail later if they ask questions or want to talk more.
You might say something like:
“A funeral is a special time when people come together to remember someone who has died and to say goodbye. There may be music, stories, or readings. The person’s body will be in a coffin. Some people will feel very sad and might cry, while others will remember happy times.”
It’s also important to explain what happens after the funeral. When talking about burial or cremation, refer clearly to the body rather than the person themselves, so children understand that it is the body being cared for, not the loved one they knew.
Cremation can be described as using heat to turn the body into soft ash, which is then placed in an urn so it can be kept or laid somewhere special. Answer questions honestly and calmly, and reassure your child that this is a common and respectful way of looking after someone who has died.
Should children attend the funeral?
Some people still believe that funerals are not appropriate for children, particularly those under 12. In reality, there are both benefits and challenges to consider.
For some children, attending a funeral can help them understand that death is a natural part of life. Being included, rather than excluded, can make them feel trusted and supported. It also gives them a chance to say goodbye and see how families come together to care for one another after a loss.
Others may find the experience confusing or upsetting, especially if they are very young or sensitive to strong emotions. Seeing people cry or behave differently can be unsettling, and some children may struggle to sit quietly for the length of the service.
It’s also worth thinking about your own needs. If caring for a young child during the funeral would prevent you from being emotionally present, it may be kinder to make alternative arrangements.
Helping a child cope at the funeral
If you do decide to take a child to the funeral, a little preparation can make the experience easier for everyone. Children often feel more secure if they can bring a familiar comfort, such as a favourite toy or book.
You may also want to give them a simple role, which can help them feel involved rather than overwhelmed. Younger children might like to lay a flower on the coffin, blow bubbles, release a balloon, or give you a drawing they’ve made. Older children may want to light a candle, help choose music, decorate the coffin, or share a short memory.
Let them know that it’s okay to leave the room if they feel upset, and arrange for a trusted adult to step outside with them if needed.
If a child doesn’t attend the funeral
Sometimes a child may not want to attend, or the funeral may not be suitable for children. In these cases, there are still meaningful ways to help them remember the person who has died.
A memorial service or celebration of life can be a more relaxed alternative. Children can also be involved by choosing a photograph, selecting a song, writing something to be read aloud, or helping create a small memory space at home.
Rituals are important for children. Sharing flowers, cards, or photographs from the funeral can help them feel included and give them a clearer understanding of what happened.
Supporting a child through grief
Children grieve in their own way and at their own pace. You can’t take away their pain, but you can support them by encouraging them to talk about their feelings, answering questions honestly, and avoiding confusing euphemisms.
Allowing a child to attend the funeral, if they wish, can sometimes help with closure. Just as important is caring for yourself. Children often take cues from the adults around them, so seeking support for your own grief can help you be there for them too.
