When someone you care about is grieving a death, it’s completely natural to want to help ease their pain. You may feel a strong urge to say the right thing, do something meaningful, or somehow make the situation better. At the same time, many people feel unsure of themselves around grief. They worry about saying the wrong thing, upsetting the person further, or intruding at a time when emotions are raw.
Grief can feel uncomfortable to witness, especially in a society that often struggles to sit with sadness or loss. Because of this, people sometimes keep conversations light or avoid the topic altogether. While this is understandable, it can leave a grieving person feeling isolated at a time when support matters most.
If you’re wondering how to help someone who is grieving, it’s important to know that there is no single right way to support them. Everyone experiences grief differently, and what feels helpful to one person may not feel right to another. What matters most is showing compassion, patience and a willingness to be there, even when you don’t have the perfect words.
Understand grief as a process
Grief is a natural response to the death of someone we love, but it is not a neat or predictable process. It doesn’t follow a straight line or a fixed timeline, and it rarely looks the same from one person to the next. Some people want company and conversation, while others need privacy and quiet. One person may return to work quickly as a way of coping, while another may struggle to manage everyday tasks.
Grief can affect people emotionally, physically and mentally. You might notice changes in appetite or sleep, low energy levels, difficulty concentrating, or a sense of numbness. Emotionally, grief can bring sadness, anger, guilt, frustration, anxiety, loneliness or even relief. These feelings can come and go, sometimes unexpectedly, and they may change from day to day.
When someone you love is grieving, it’s natural to want to fix things or make the pain go away. Unfortunately, grief isn’t something that can be fixed. No words or actions can take away the loss they’ve experienced. What you can do is walk alongside them, offering comfort, understanding and practical support as they find their own way through it.
What to say to someone who is grieving?
One of the most common worries people have is not knowing what to say to someone who is grieving. You might be afraid of saying the wrong thing, bringing up painful emotions, or making the situation worse. Some people avoid contact altogether because they feel helpless or unsure.
While these feelings are understandable, silence or avoidance can be more hurtful than an imperfect attempt to show care. You don’t need to have the right answers or offer advice. Often, the most helpful thing you can do is simply acknowledge their loss and let them know you’re thinking of them.
Simple, sincere expressions of sympathy can mean a great deal. Letting someone know you’re there for them, that you’re willing to listen, or that you’re thinking of them can provide comfort during a very lonely time. Your presence and willingness to show up matter far more than finding the perfect words.
For help and guidance on what to say when someone dies, take a look at our free guide.
What not to say to a grieving person (and what helps instead)
When we’re faced with someone else’s grief, it’s easy to fall back on familiar phrases or try to make the pain seem smaller. Often, this is more about easing our own discomfort than helping the grieving person. Being mindful of language can make a real difference.
Asking “How are you?” is well intentioned, but it often leads to automatic responses like “I’m fine” or “I’m okay,” even when the person is anything but. Acknowledging how hard things are can open the door to a more honest conversation. Saying something like, “This must be incredibly hard for you,” shows understanding without putting pressure on them to respond in a certain way.
Phrases such as “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” can unintentionally dismiss the pain someone is feeling, particularly if their beliefs don’t align with those sentiments. Instead, focusing on the person who is grieving can feel more supportive. Saying, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” keeps the attention where it belongs.
Another common phrase is, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” While kind, it can place an extra burden on someone who may already feel overwhelmed. Offering specific help is often more practical and easier to accept, such as, “I’ll drop off a meal this week,” or “I can pick the children up from school on Thursday.”
Let them talk, or let there be silence
Listening is one of the most powerful ways to support someone who is grieving. Giving them space to talk about their feelings, memories, or worries can help them feel heard and understood. This might involve tears, anger, laughter, or repeating the same stories again and again. All of this is a normal part of grief.
At the same time, not everyone wants to talk. Some people process their grief quietly or need time alone with their thoughts. If they don’t feel like talking, try not to push them. Sitting together in silence, sharing a cup of tea, or simply being present can be just as comforting as conversation.
Offering practical help during bereavement
Grief can make even small, everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering practical support can be a meaningful way to help someone who is grieving, especially in the early days after a loss.
This might include helping with household chores, answering phone calls, preparing meals, running errands, or taking care of children. Some people appreciate help with practical matters related to the death, such as finding information about clearing a house or dealing with paperwork.
It’s important to remember that not everyone will want help in the same way. Always respect their wishes and boundaries, and don’t take it personally if they decline your offer. Letting them know the help is available, without pressure, can still be reassuring.
Supporting someone in the long term
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. While support is often plentiful in the early days, it can fade as time goes on, even though the person may still be struggling. Many people find that grief lasts much longer than they expected, and there is no set timetable for healing.
Continuing to check in, months or even years later, can mean a great deal. A message, a phone call, or an invitation for a walk can remind them that they’re not forgotten. Let them know you’re still there, and that it’s okay to talk about their loved one if they want to.
Certain dates can be especially difficult, such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and family milestones. Acknowledging these times and offering extra support can help someone feel less alone when grief resurfaces.
How to help a grieving child
Children experience grief differently from adults, and their reactions can sometimes be confusing or surprising. It’s normal for children to move between sadness and play, or to express their feelings through behaviour rather than words. They may become clingy, anxious, angry, or seem younger than their age for a while.
Encouraging children to express their feelings in safe and creative ways can be helpful. This might include drawing, reading age-appropriate books about death, looking at photos, or sharing stories about the person who has died. Answer their questions honestly, using clear language, and avoid euphemisms that can cause confusion.
Let their questions guide the conversation, and reassure them that their feelings are normal. Maintaining routines where possible can also help children feel more secure during a time of change.
When professional bereavement support may help
For many people, grief gradually becomes easier to live with, especially when they have understanding friends and family around them. However, there are times when professional support can be helpful.
If the death was sudden or traumatic, or if someone seems unable to cope with daily life over a long period of time, additional support may be needed. Signs might include ongoing severe distress, withdrawal from others, or difficulty functioning at work or home.
Bereavement counsellors, support groups and helplines can provide a safe space to talk and be understood. Reaching out for professional help is not a sign of weakness, but a way of getting the support that’s needed during a very difficult time.
Being there matters more than getting it right
If you’re trying to support someone who is grieving, it’s normal to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. What matters most is your willingness to show care, patience and kindness. You don’t need to have all the answers, and you don’t need to make the pain go away.
By listening, offering practical help, staying present over time and acknowledging their loss, you can provide real comfort and support. Even small gestures can make a meaningful difference when someone is finding their way through grief.
