Losing someone important is difficult at any age, but for children, the experience can feel confusing and overwhelming. They often sense the sadness around them long before they understand what has happened, and they look to the adults in their lives for clarity and reassurance.
Parents and carers sometimes hope to protect children by waiting to talk about death until it becomes unavoidable. In reality, these conversations can feel even harder when everyone is already grieving. Children notice more than we expect, and they often try to make sense of loss with the information they have. Their questions, emotions and behaviours can seem surprising, but they are all part of the way children try to understand a life-changing experience.
How grief affects a child
Every child experiences grief in their own way. There is no right or wrong reaction, and there is no predictable timetable. Children may show their feelings through emotions, behaviour or even physical signs, and these may vary from day to day.
Common reactions include anxiety, sadness, guilt, anger, restlessness, withdrawal or confusion. Some children feel physically unwell, struggle to sleep, lose interest in activities or find it hard to concentrate. Others may appear unaffected for a while and then express their grief later, which is known as delayed grief.
Whatever form grief takes, children need time, patience and reassurance. Let them know they are safe, loved and able to talk about what has happened whenever they need to. It is also helpful to show them that adults can feel sad too. Trying to hide your grief can sometimes make children worry that their own feelings are not acceptable.
Many children blame themselves for a death, whether or not they say it out loud. Gently remind them that nothing they said, did or thought caused the loss and that they could not have prevented it.
Signs of grief at different ages
Understanding how children at different ages make sense of death can help you respond to their needs with empathy and confidence. These descriptions are not strict stages, and you may see some overlap depending on the child’s personality, life experience and family situation.
Toddlers
Toddlers have no understanding of the finality of death, but they do recognise absence. They may search for the missing person, become clingy, cry more often or show changes in sleeping and eating. They are strongly affected by the emotions of adults around them.
Simple explanations are best. Short, clear sentences and honesty help build trust. After sharing a little information, pause and see if they want to ask anything else.
Preschoolers
Preschool-aged children often see death as something temporary or reversible. They may think the person is asleep or believe the person can return. Feelings of guilt or worry about who will care for them are common.
Because children this age cannot easily describe their feelings, their grief often appears through behaviours such as irritability, difficulty sleeping, regression or clinginess.
Reassurance, affection and routine help them feel safe. Answer their questions honestly using direct language. Play can also give them a safe space to explore their emotions.
Primary school children
By this stage, children begin to understand that death is permanent and universal. They may become curious about the physical realities of death and ask direct questions. Feelings might include sadness, anger, guilt or worry about their own death or the death of others.
They may struggle to express emotions verbally, so grief can appear in school performance, behaviour changes, physical complaints or withdrawal from friends.
Encourage creative outlets such as drawing, storytelling or physical activity. Children this age also benefit from opportunities to share memories and talk about the person who has died.
Teenagers
Teenagers understand the reality of death but may not yet have the emotional skills to manage their feelings. They may express their grief through anger, risk-taking behaviour or withdrawal. Some teenagers prefer to talk to friends, teachers or a trusted adult outside the family.
Let them know you are available whenever they want to talk, but avoid forcing conversations. Respect their need for independence while making sure they have steady, reliable support. Try not to minimise or “fix” their feelings. What they need most is acceptance, understanding and space to grieve in their own way.
What children need when they are grieving
Children cope best when adults are calm and honest. Clear, direct language is more reassuring than softer alternatives that can cause confusion. Phrases like “gone to sleep” can lead to fears around bedtime or separation.
Let them know that every feeling is valid. Sadness, anger, worry, confusion and even relief can all be part of grief. Encourage them to talk, but do not pressure them. Your presence, willingness to listen and steady reassurance will help them feel safe.
Practical ways to help include keeping daily routines as normal as possible, informing teachers so they can offer support, spending relaxed time together and encouraging activities they enjoy.
Should a child attend the funeral?
There is no universal rule. Attending a funeral can help some children understand what has happened, but for others, it may feel overwhelming. It always depends on the child’s age, personality, relationship with the person who has died and the type of service being held.
Never force attendance. Instead, explain what the funeral will be like, including the mood of the gathering and anything they might see. Let them ask questions and decide whether they feel ready.
If attending does not feel right, offer gentle alternatives such as sharing a story, planting something in the garden or creating a small moment of remembrance at home. These acts can help a child say goodbye in a comforting and meaningful way.
Who to talk to when a child is grieving
Some children may need extra support. Grief has no fixed timescale, but if a child is finding it difficult to cope for an extended period, or their behaviour changes significantly, speaking to a professional can help.
Useful sources of support include bereavement counsellors, emotional support services, your GP, teachers or organisations specialising in childhood grief.
Ways to support children dealing with grief
Have open conversations about death
Honest, age-appropriate conversations help children feel secure. When communication is open, children feel more able to ask questions and share their worries or feelings.
Explore grief books for children
Stories can help children make sense of difficult experiences. Picture books and stories that explore grief can give them language for their feelings and open up gentle discussions.
Attend grief support groups
Teenagers and older children often find comfort in meeting others who have experienced a similar loss. These groups offer a sense of community and reduce the isolation grief can sometimes cause.
Try children’s grief activities
Creative outlets offer children a safe way to express feelings they cannot verbalise. Activities such as journalling, making a memory box, creating a photo album or crafting a simple bracelet to remember someone can be very comforting.
When to seek additional support
If grief begins to overwhelm everyday life or feels stuck, children may need specialist help. This can happen when the loss was sudden, traumatic or deeply significant. Professional support can offer children and families practical ways to understand and navigate complicated grief.
Reach out for help if you need it, and remember that children cope best when surrounded by understanding and steady, compassionate care.
