Talking about death and dying is something most of us avoid, but it’s an important conversation that can bring clarity, peace of mind, and comfort to everyone involved. Many people think about their own mortality regularly, yet find it difficult to discuss openly with family and friends.
According to UK research, nine in ten adults have thought about their own mortality, with about a third of people thinking about it at least once a week or more. Yet fewer people act on those thoughts by discussing what they want to happen later in life or after they die.
Starting conversations about death doesn’t have to be morbid. With the right language and approach, these discussions can be deeply meaningful, helping you and your loved ones prepare both emotionally and practically for the future.
Why talking about death feels difficult
Talking about death is uncomfortable for many reasons. Some of the most common emotional barriers include:
- Fear of loss: We don’t want to imagine life without the people we care about.
- Worry about upsetting others: Many people avoid the topic because they fear it will make loved ones sad or anxious.
- Not knowing what to say or how to start: Death can feel abstract until it is personal.
- Cultural silence around death: Many societies do not openly discuss dying until it becomes unavoidable.
Even people nearing the end of life often find it hard to express their wishes, not because they are unwilling but because they are unsure how to begin. Recognising these hesitations is the first step in approaching the topic with sensitivity and care.
The benefits of talking about death
Although difficult, talking about death and dying has clear emotional and practical benefits. These conversations give your loved ones guidance and certainty, reducing stress and guesswork at a time when emotions are already intense.
Some key benefits include:
- Clarity for your loved ones: When you share your preferences, your family knows what you want and can feel confident they are acting in your best interests.
- Reduces emotional burden: When wishes are clear, families do not have to guess or disagree in a moment of grief.
- Better practical preparation: Discussing plans encourages people to organise important documents, wills, and financial affairs.
- Improves relationships: Talking honestly about difficult topics can deepen connections and create room for open expression.
- Normalises death as part of life: When death is talked about constructively, it becomes less taboo and more accepted as part of the human experience.
How to start the conversation
There is no single perfect script. What matters most is sincerity and clarity. Here are some practical ways to begin:
Ask open-ended questions
Try questions like “What would matter most to you in a service or gathering?” or “How would you like people to remember you?”
Use real-life moments
Talking about a funeral you attended recently – positive or negative – can open a natural window into the subject.
Share your own feelings
Saying something simple like “I’ve been thinking about what matters to me, and I want to share it with you” can make the topic less intimidating.
Look at memories instead of death
Focusing first on favourite experiences, achievements, and relationships can lead to a broader conversation about what matters most.
Conversations do not all have to happen in one sitting. Think of them as a series of discussions, each one helping build understanding and comfort.
Practical topics to cover
Once the door is open, there are several practical topics you might explore together:
- Your preferences for burial or cremation
- Whether you want a traditional service, a celebration of life, or something personalised
- Music, readings, or rituals you find meaningful
- Where to find important paperwork, wills, or financial plans
- Who you would trust to make decisions on your behalf
You don’t have to cover everything all at once. A series of short, honest conversations over time can be more comfortable and less overwhelming for everyone.
Talking about your funeral wishes
Sharing your funeral preferences can be especially reassuring for family members. Many people worry that discussing funerals will upset loved ones, but in most cases, families find comfort in clarity during a difficult time.
If you find it hard to begin a conversation about funeral wishes directly, there are several ways to ease into it:
Direct but compassionate
“I have been thinking about what I would like for my funeral, and I want to share it with you so you don’t have to guess later.”
Soft introduction
“I have written some notes about how I’d like things to be, and I’d love to talk them through with you when you’re ready.”
Shared experience approach
“I went to a funeral recently, and it made me think about the kind of service that feels right to me.”
These approaches help frame the conversation around care, love, and shared understanding rather than avoidance or fear.
Talking to children about death
Children often absorb more than adults realise. Talking about death with honesty and simplicity helps them make sense of loss and reduces confusion or fear later.
When speaking with children:
- Use clear, direct language. Avoid euphemisms like “gone to sleep” or “lost” that can be confusing.
- Keep explanations age-appropriate. Very young children need simplicity; older children can handle more detail.
- Reassure them that grief is a normal emotion and that they are loved and supported.
If someone resists the conversation
Even with gentle approaches, some people will resist talking about death. If this happens:
- Respect their pace. Forceful conversations can make them retreat further.
- Try asking permission (“Do you mind if we talk about something important?”).
- Listen more than you speak. Sometimes being heard opens the door to deeper talk later.
- Focus on values, not details (“What matters most to you?”).
Even a small exchange or note outlining preferences is better than silence.
Planning together builds peace of mind
Once you have begun talking, it helps to put important decisions in an accessible form:
- Write down your preferences
- Store key documents in a known place
- Share copies with a trusted person
- Consider our free send-off planner, A Fine Farewell, to record ideas like music, readings, and values
Talking about death is not a single conversation with a clear beginning and end. It is something that can unfold gently over time, in small moments, shared memories, and honest reflections. Each conversation helps ease uncertainty, reduces the burden on the people you love, and brings a sense of calm that comes from being understood.
By opening the door now, you give yourself permission to live more fully in the present, knowing that important wishes have been shared and trusted people have been included.
