“When you are in the midst of such grief, literally the peripheries of your brain shut down.” – Miranda Ash
In the third episode of The Pure Podcast, our content lead Sabine speaks with celebrant Miranda Ash about one of the hardest tasks many of us face: finding the words to honour someone we love. Miranda has years of experience writing and delivering eulogies and supporting families through the practical and emotional work of saying goodbye.
She brings advice and creative ideas that make the task feel less impossible – whether you’re writing at short notice, worried about becoming overwhelmed, or simply unsure where to start.
Listen to the conversation with Miranda now or read the full transcript below.
Full transcript
Sabine Groven
So firstly, I just want to say, Miranda, thank you so much for joining me.
Miranda Ash
My pleasure, it's great to be here, Sabine.
Sabine Groven
So we're going to talk about writing and giving a eulogy, which is something that a lot of people find very challenging. So firstly, I wanted to ask you, why do you think writing a eulogy is something that feels so overwhelming for people, especially when they're grieving?
Miranda Ash
I think, and I speak about this from my own experience, because the first eulogy I wrote was from my mum's past, when my mum passed 14 years ago. And when you are in the midst of such grief, literally the peripheries of your brain shut down, and it's very difficult to think in a creative way because you're just trying to go from one thing to the next. You're protecting the feelings that you have, and therefore, physiologically, our thinking changes when we're in that kind of situation. And I think that's one of the main reasons why people find it so difficult. It's difficult to think clearly.
Sabine Groven
Yeah, exactly, and quite often it has to happen within a certain time frame, right?
Miranda Ash
It does and there's that pressure that we put on ourselves but also there's that time pressure and you want to do a good job because it's for someone that you loved and respected and we I think also as human beings are our own worst critic so I know from experience my goodness I don't know how many times I rewrote the eulogy I did for my mum and I still do the same with eulogies I write for others as well now because you care and because you want to do a good job. And yet often you'll think that it's not that great. But then, when others hear it on the day, they'll always say that was beautiful. And you think, my goodness, how much did I judge myself for that? So yes, we are our own worst critic and we don't have to be. And I think we have to understand that whatever we share is whatever needs to be shared, and if you know our emotions or if the grief gets in the way, that's actually a natural part of the process, and that's okay.
Sabine Groven
Yes, absolutely. So you have obviously written and given many eulogies and also supported others in writing eulogies. I wanted to ask you what are the key elements that make a meaningful eulogy?
Miranda Ash
There's no right or wrong way to write a eulogy. Depending on who I'm supporting, and also because I like to write creatively, if I wrote the same thing or in the same form every time, I get bored, but there's no right or wrong way. You can start in all sorts of different ways. Sometimes I like to give people a snapshot of what was going on at the time when that person came into the world.
You know, what was going on historically, what was the, what was happening in the world, in their community, in their family at that time. And then more often than not, people go chronologically, but you don't have to, you can also organise it by different themes. So, for example, I did a eulogy a few months ago for a lady who was very, very social and had all sorts of different friend groups and a very close family and we themed it around those different friend groups and the relationship with their family. So you can do it chronologically or you can theme it, it depends on what works for you and that person.
Sabine Groven
That's a really nice idea as well, make it bit different.
Miranda Ash
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Sabine Groven
So people often worry about getting it right. It's gonna be in front of a lot of people, they wanna do their loved ones justice. But how can you find the stories or the qualities that best captured your loved one's life and then bring that to life in a eulogy?
Miranda Ash
Well, again, qualities are another way to theme it. So what I do and have done when I've written eulogies for family and friends in particular is I ask a few people about their memories of that person. I think about my own memories, but when you are in the midst of grief, it's very difficult to sometimes think of those memories in a way that is engaging or feels enticing. Enticing, although I don't know enticing is the right word, but feels like it's worthy of someone listening to that memory. So I think talking to others is also really important so that they you get another voice as well as your own. And often in the process of having that discussion, you discover things that you didn't know, but you also discover and revisit shared memories.
And those conversations, I think, can be extremely cathartic for both people. And a eulogy is, by its very nature, cathartic. It's meant to be. It's meant to give comfort, potentially, in a time of grief. And still having those conversations as you prepare for that is really, important. And you'll often find commonalities and shared experiences and memories that you've probably even forgotten that are good to bring out.
Sabine Groven
I also want to ask you about balancing honesty with sensitivity, because sometimes there might be a difficult relationship or maybe the person who has passed away had some struggles, and it might feel inauthentic to not mention that in the eulogy, but at the same time, people can be a bit cautious of that, so how would you advise someone to strike that balance?
Miranda Ash
It's a really good question, and it's important to cover. We're human. We aren't all perfect. No one's perfect. And I think, you know, we are, we've had a human experience, and we need to acknowledge that. But there are ways to artfully acknowledge it without hammering home if that person was really awful. When I go and meet with families, often everyone has a different experience of that person that's passed.
And often there are people who, or sometimes there are people who haven't had a great experience and you need to acknowledge that. But there's a way to do it that is artful. So for example, recently I did a eulogy for a gentleman and the way I captured it or introduced it and touched on the challenges was this person, you know, was independent, didn't have an easy life at times and it's important to acknowledge that.
That doesn't necessarily have to be the whole eulogy. But you do still, I think, in order to do a person justice and to bring healing as well for those people that are listening, you do need to acknowledge it. But do it in a way that is a light touch, potentially and isn't the whole arc of the eulogy. Now I've also done eulogies for people that have had a really, really, really tough time, a really rough life. You know, either they've been through an awful illness or they have not been necessarily a nice person, and people don't have much to say about them, and you've got to try and certainly, with my job, you've got to try and eke that time out to make them a service that is worthy of the time that you have. And there are ways you can do that by adding readings or music instead. So don't feel that you have, if you don't have much to say about someone, don't feel that you have to labour a point. You can do other things to stretch things out, so to speak.
Sabine Groven
So we touched on this a little bit. Sometimes you have to prepare a eulogy with a limited time frame. What is the simplest approach do you think to create something that is heartfelt but manageable when you have little time to prepare, and you're grieving, and you have to give a eulogy?
Miranda Ash
Think about what's important. What would you really like to say about that person? And I'm a visual thinker, so when I am presented with a whole load of different ideas about someone or points about them, I sit down and write out kind of minority reports, scattergram or whatever you call it, style. I'll look at the different themes, I'll look at what the stories are that absolutely have to be in there. So, for example, recently, I did a service for someone who had had a direct cremation, and I was working with their family, and there was a lot that they wanted me to cover. And when I sat down and talked with them, I said, are the important, we have this amount of time. What are the points that you absolutely have to have in there without fail? And so you prioritise what you really want to say and then capture it. Go with what's the priority first.
And anything that's not a priority, you can always share elsewhere afterwards. I always say to families, you're having a gathering afterwards, continue that storytelling at the gathering. I've even had people do kind of a part one of a eulogy and then a part two elsewhere so that others can add their voices in and they can continue that sharing because that sharing is a really important part of the grieving process because it brings comfort, it brings focus and it turns us away from the grief momentarily but also helps us to understand that grief is really love being expressed through that eulogy and we have to have those stories as a way of helping us to come to terms with that.
Don't feel that you have to be pigeonholed into a limit because there are other ways that you can creatively continue that storytelling, maybe in a different venue or at a different time that can help with that process.
Sabine Groven
So you mentioned waving in multiple voices by doing like a two-parter eulogy. But quite often people want to include multiple voices in the eulogy. So, do you have any other examples of how you can go about that?
Miranda Ash
Yes, so I work with many families where either they will, I'll write the eulogy and multiple voices will be involved in writing that eulogy and they want me to deliver that eulogy or they'll write it and have me deliver it. It'll have been a collaborative effort with several people. But also don't feel that you can't have more than one voice, you can.
So, for example, I think one of the best examples I've seen was actually my mum's funeral. I didn't realise that we could have a direct cremation at that point, another story for another time, but we did have a cremation in a standard crematorium, but we booked a double slot, which you can do, top tip. And it was really important.
There were, I think there were five tributes that day. We called them tributes, but essentially five eulogies. And the way that we did it was my uncle talked about my mum's early life, then both me and my brothers each talked about our memories because we each of us felt it was really important that we spoke. Each of us had very different memories, and we wanted to share those. And then we had another friend who came and talked about my mum as a friend to so many, and so don't feel that you can only have one tribute.
I did a funeral recently for an amazing gentleman and his family wanted many voices and what they did was they themed it so they had someone who came and talked about the child, this person is a child, so a sister who spoke, then a friend from uni who spoke and then two friends from work and then his son spoke as well with memories of growing up and then I did a eulogy that his wife had written but she didn't feel able to deliver. So you can absolutely, you don't feel that you're constrained by time either, because there are ways that you can do things, but also, you don't want it to go on so long that everyone's going to get itchy feet, so to speak. So more often than not, when multiple voices are involved, what I tend to see is people theme it just like the example that I just gave so that you aren't kind of doubling up on the same memories.
Sabine Groven
Yes. Nice. You mentioned there that the wife wasn't necessarily comfortable giving her part of the eulogy, and that you read it for her, and I can imagine that that happens quite often. But for the people that do want to read a eulogy but they are worried about becoming overwhelmed or emotional, what advice would you give to them?
Miranda Ash
First of all, I always say, write it down. Read from a script. There's comfort in reading from a script. Also, from a timing point of view, it's really important that you read from a script and try not to veer away from it because otherwise you'll get carried away and lose control. And actually, I think when you're nervous, when you're grieving, you probably will find comfort in that sense of control. So I always say, write it down, read it out loud to yourself. And I teach, I train celebrants, and this is a technique that I ask all of them to do when they're writing scripts. So write it down, then read it out loud to yourself to check timing and flow. And there will be things that you'll want to change because writing down something on paper, is different to reading it out loud.
So you'll want to maybe change some things to bring out more expression or to watch the timing to make sure that you've got pauses in there, that you think about how to engage with the audience, remembering to look up. know, one thing that I suggest people do is at the top of every page and do do it as a printout, at the top of every page in Big Red Pen write look up, breathe, because when we are nervous, we forget to breathe, and also we speed up. So I also write up there, slow down just as a reminder and sometimes you can even write between paragraphs, pause one, two, three just to remind yourself to just reset your breathing between each paragraph. So those kinds of practical techniques help alongside making sure that you write it down to keep on track.
And here's the other reason to write it down. I have lost count of the number of people who've asked me for a copy of a eulogy afterwards. And actually, with the families that I work with, I always give them a copy of the full ceremony script and the eulogies so that they can look back in years to come. And when they when they need it, as a time when they're struggling, I think it's really helpful for people to be able to look back at those stories and remember that person. yeah. The other thing that I always do in terms of actually delivering on the day, I'll always leave a pile of tissues or a box of tissues for someone. know, people often say to me, I'm really worried that I'll cry when I deliver the eulogy.
And I always say, that's normal. Showing emotions is something that is not to be sneered at. It's actually natural. It endears you to the audience. It shows that you care. And don't be worried if you show emotion. Sometimes when people deliver eulogies themselves, and they struggle, I'll always say to people, if you feel that you can't do it or you struggle and you want to stop, I'll come over, and I'll read the rest of it for you. That's perfectly normal, too. Or have someone else in the audience who's able to come up and do it for you, too. So there's all sorts of different practical steps you can make to enable you to deliver a eulogy and still feel grounded and able to do it, or have someone else do it for you.
Sabine Groven
Yes, absolutely. At Pure Cremation, we talk a lot about choosing a farewell that is right for the person who has passed and for their family as well. Because for so long, funerals have followed a very traditional format, which is absolutely fine if that's what people want to choose. But sometimes that doesn't feel right for everybody. But with a celebration of life or a memorial service or anything that isn't a typical funeral, you might still very much like to give a eulogy, but perhaps you want to shake things up a bit and do something that is a bit simpler maybe, a bit less formal. Do you have any tips for how you could do that?
Miranda Ash
Yeah, absolutely. So I did a celebration of life for someone who lived on a farm, and we actually did their celebration on the farm in the orchard. And the way that we did it, and it was one of the most memorable ones I've ever done, we gathered in the farmyard, and then we all took the walk that he took with his dog every day.
And we then gathered in a wooded glade on the farm where we lit a fir,e and we sat around and shared memories. And that actually was so profound because we felt like we were walking in his steps, we were. And we also invited those that wanted to, to be able to say a few words without feeling like there was a formality to it. You know, celebrations of life and funerals do not have to be formal. They don't have to follow a structure even if you have it in a formal place such as a crematorium or a chapel. They don't have to follow a structure. It's completely up to you. And I think that's what I love about doing this work because no two people that you are celebrating are the same and therefore their ceremonies shouldn't necessarily be the same either. I can understand why people do want something that's maybe formulaic.
When you're in the midst of grief, you can't necessarily think creatively, but that's where talking about your final wishes comes into play and is important. I've made it very clear to my family what I want to happen when I'm gone, how I want to be celebrated, which is a party in a field with a big bonfire, basically. And it's important to have those conversations so it removes the guesswork. And it's also important to have those conversations about how you would like to be remembered and how you would like to be celebrated and especially if it's not in a typical way, so that families can think about how to do things.
I've also done ceremonies on beaches as well, where we have gathered on a beach, had a picnic, and we've had an informal sharing of that person. I actually really like doing those kind of ceremonies because we as human beings, as part of the grieving process, we need the opportunity to have those opportunities to share, regardless of whether it's more formal or more simple and informal. We as human beings have always had ceremony and ritual too, and those are examples of rituals. Going for a picnic on the beach and talking about that person has a ritual element to it, and we need that to help us with part of the grieving process and moving forward. So do what works for you and that person, and you can't go wrong, really.
There's all sorts of ways you can do it and don't feel that you have to be constrained to what you typically see. Do what that person would like. It could be in your back garden, it could be in your living room, it could be in a favourite place. I did a celebration of life for someone at the venue where their daughter got married a few years ago, because that was a place where they always gathered as a family, and they gathered for happy memories and difficult memories like this, but they always knew it was a place that they could come back to and gather as a family. So they continued that tradition with their celebration of life.
Sabine Groven
Yes, and it doesn't necessarily have to be in person either. I was speaking to a gentleman who wrote a touching eulogy for his father, and then he wrote it into Christmas cards and sent them out to friends and family, which is a really nice way to share his dad's legacy and love for Christmas.
Miranda Ash
I love that, that is such a good idea. Also think about video. And it doesn't even have to be words. So I've seen, I haven't worked with the family that have done this, but I have seen this where they've done essentially a slideshow of that person, put it up on a platform and shared it with people. Sometimes it doesn't have to be words. It can be in visual, it can be videos, it can be photographs.
Do what works for you and for that person. I did see something, this is years ago, someone who was an artist and very community-based, and they invited everyone to share their favourite memories in pictorial form, whether it was an actual drawing or a photograph, they wanted something visual and they put it together into a beautiful collage and then shared it with everyone, even if you're not having a physical gathering, there are such lovely ways you can do it. And that Christmas card idea is, I'm taking that one, I'm going to use that.
Sabine Groven
So we've obviously we've shared some really different and interesting and big ideas here, but there is also nothing wrong with doing something really low-key and personal. So, whatever works for people, I guess, is the message.
Miranda Ash
Absolutely. You know, one of the most profound and memorable gatherings I ever went to was for a friend who didn't want anything big. And what they did, what we did for them was we all gathered at a friend's house. We sat in a circle in the garden with the person's favorite drink and we just talked. We talked about those memories. We didn't plan anything apart from the food and the drink.
We didn't plan, and actually, sometimes just sitting and talking about those memories spontaneously is all you need to do. It's about, again, it's about what works for you. And one other point to make is sometimes I hear people say, if we do it this way, are we going to be judged? No, no, there's no judgment, certainly from someone like me, there's no judgment.
You have to honour and celebrate a person in whatever way works for you and sometimes it's the simple acts, the simple gestures, the simple conversations that matter the most.
Sabine Groven
What would you say to someone who has been listening to our conversation now, and they are still overwhelmed, lost and unsure where to begin? What would you say to them?
Miranda Ash
First of all, don't feel under any time constraint to get things done in a certain time. I've recently been working with several families whose loved ones have had a direct cremation, and in one case, it was well over a year ago, and they have not felt able to plan anything or do anything until now. So don't feel that you have to rush something.
Sometimes, actually waiting is better because we can plan something when we aren't maybe in the midst of the extreme grief that you feel in the weeks after someone has gone. So first of all, think about when you want to, if you want, if you're going to do something when, but don't again feel constrained by time, and really sit down and think about what's important, what's important to share about that person. If there were three things that you'd want to share about that person, what would they be? I think sometimes when we're starting to look at eulogies and writing tributes, we're completely overwhelmed because we want to do that person justice, but we are overwhelmed with the amount of information sometimes.
And actually, there's a need to simplify things. And if there were three things you were going to share about that person or say about that person, what would they be? Start there and go from there. And then usually it will expand from there. And sometimes it'll just stay with two or three points, and that's all that's needed.
